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AT&T predicts future of T-Mobile

March 24, 2012

In a stunning occult ritual performed by dancers with freshly cut hearts and juju dolls, Jim Cicconi (Sr. VP) of AT&T predicted that T-Mobile and the rest of the country would suffer if T-Mobile was not allowed to sell-out to AT&T. “It has been revealed,” said Cicconi, “If AT&T does not buy out T-Mobile and gobble up its portion of market share, T-Mobile will lay-off lots of workers.”

After the FCC denied the buyout and told T-Mobile that it had to stay in business, T-Mobile then laid-off thousands of employees. “Told ya so,” said Cicconi who then reveled in maniacal laughter while holding a glass of champagne, two scantily-clad women, and a big, fat cigar. After coughing, Cicconi went on.

“The ceremony was taxing on my mana, but with the aid of chemicals and a good healthy lifestyle I was able to foresee this. We had no idea about T-Mobile’s health. I mean, how would we know? When we buy out a company we hardly ever perform any research into the balance sheet. We consider that voodoo.”

But the FCC did do that research, and determined that jobs would be saved without the merger.

“We relied on the theory that forcing T-Mobile to stay in business would create greater competition in the marketplace. You know–like when you tell someone they have to stay in a burning house so it will give them more of an incentive to put it out,” said an FCC spokesman.

When asked about AT&Ts plan to preserve those jobs after the buyout, Cicconi said, “Of course we would have kept everyone on staff. When you rescue a sinking ship, don’t you save the crew? It’s just common courtesy. Sure we would have spent a lot of cash we don’t have–like a welfare state–but we like to think of ourselves akin to ‘Ma Bell’.”

No one really knows the extent of Cicconi’s ESP, but we should probably take his advice in the future, for all of our sake. The government is a fumbling idiot and large cap corporations should be able to do what they want more often. They have keen insight into future events that non-corporate people cannot see.

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One Comment
  1. I understand that Cicconi has recently found favorable readings in the chicken bones he’s strewn in his pan of boiling blood.

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